A friend once said, “Marriage is not easy, it takes hard work.” That’s the irony of my situation. I wasn’t afraid to put the hard work in. I wasn’t too lazy to try; to compromise; to be open-minded; to be patient; to forgive; to forget. Dammit, I didn’t want to be divorced at 31-years-old but I guess nobody does. Nobody dreams of being a junkie or a convict or unemployed or divorced. These things happen most of the time because we made bad decisions and as adults ultimately we are responsible for the bad decisions we make. Sometimes these things despite the best of intentions.

I keep saying “I” but there was another person involved here so I should say “we.” However, that in and of itself was the problem with my marriage and overall the problem with marriages across the country far and wide. Things tend to fall apart when one of the parties involved cannot move past “I” to “we” at any point in the union. People seem to think that marriage is about YOU and only YOU. There is no “we” or even recognition that the individual you are married to is a person at all. You hear this all the time from both genders; “I got married because I wanted a family.” “I wanted someone to take care of me.” “I don’t want to work.” “I just wanna stop working and have babies.” “I needed to get out of my momma’s house.” “I was lonely.”

This can go on and on. Often people tend to get married based solely on their own needs without taking into consideration the needs of the other person. Then to compensate, they begin to insinuate needs that the other person doesn’t actually have. And when that doesn’t work, that’s when the couple begins to add variable to the mix that will make it all better; usually kids and houses.

This never works out and both, children and houses are left worse for wear.

I’ve often said that selfishness is slowly killing the heart of this country. One of the first casualties is marriage. You cannot be selfish and deal effectively and appropriately with people. If you cannot step outside of yourself for at least a moment and consider the other persons point of view then how are you supposed to make a relationship work? Marriage by its very nature is about more than meeting a single persons needs. It’s about two people complimenting one another and ultimately forming a greater being. However, the tendency is for people to enter into this arrangement thinking that the other person is going to perpetually accept all behaviors without end like they are some sort of robot. Consideration for others used to come quite naturally to most normal human beings, now I have to write an essay to remind people that it’s an essential part of a relationship.

I understand that listening to someone rant about marriage and divorce while he’s going through a divorce is somewhat like taking diet advice from a fat b****** (oh the layered irony in that sentence) but actually I’ve learned a lot from my 2 year dabble in matrimony. For those of you thinking about taking the plunge or have visions of starting a family in the future, I’m not trying to dissuade you, I’m trying to save you. I want more people to get married. I would just rather them stay married and bring any more children into a world of untrustworthy adults and broken homes.

Now I’ve gone and made the same dumb decision twice, which is why I began by saying that marriage is about two people, not just YOU. I used to think that just because I'm pretty easy to get along with, surely I can make any relationship work. Boy was I wrong. If the other person isn’t willing to put in their share of the work, you are as doomed to failure as a prom night dumpster baby (thank you Family Guy).

To start with, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “You are whom you hang around with.” That means you must be around good, decent people. Part of the problem with many relationships is that both genders seek out bad boy/party girl types and then are surprised when these same people can’t settle down and get their life or their responsibilities straight. Some do grow up, don’t get me wrong but they grow up despite YOU, not because of, as Marge Simpson would say, gentle, constant nagging. People don’t settle down because you dragged them through a chapel or because you had children with them. They are supposed to have settled down well before either of those issues come into play. I have learned the hard way that you can’t change people. They will change or not change by virtue of their own destiny when they are damn good and ready to if ever. If you are the “changer” type or the “savior” type then ultimately you will be the “let down” “heartbroken” and “divorced” type as well.

However, should you meet a person who doesn’t need a good savin’ he or she will be the type of person who treat their family and friends well and not drop them or mistreat them once they are in a relationship. Let’s be honest here. If you might someone with such weak connections and supports that they can be done away with the greatest of ease and least of concerns, what makes you think that down the road this same person won’t treat you the same way? A good way to tell how a person will treat you or your pending children for that matter is to see how they treat their parents. If your significant other treats their family like crap, eventually they will turn on you as well. However, loyalty and decency work the same as well. And nobody should have to give up ones family to satiate the other. If the person you are with can’t be civil to your folks then what chance do you have? Contrary to popular opinion, you are your folks to one degree or another.

I work with a lot of woman on my job. They tell me all the time that all women are needy and crazy. That is not negotiable. However, the degree to which one is needy and/or crazy very much is. Your significant other should be there to support you and vice versa. But by the same token, lying face down throwing a tantrum and waiting for said SO to pick you up and carry you through life is not fair either. Marriage should always be preceded by adulthood in both mentality as well as age. If you choose to spend your post-adolescence in perpetual teenage stasis then do the world a favor and don’t get married. Marriage, simply put is not for infants or children, no matter what the Saudi Arabians think.

Growing up and being an adult means sharing and compromise. It means being able to take care of yourself without the luxury of someone taking care of you. It means recognizing simple things like the importance of quiet time or alone time and not regarding either as an attack on your person. If you can’t leave a person alone for an hour then you need to figure out what is going on in your head before you meld to another persons noodle. In short, get some sanity, some coping skills and self-esteem before you form a bond rather then assume it will come from the bond itself – because it won’t.

You are your word. Don’t try to be something you are not and don’t enter into a relationship knowing full well you cannot live up to other persons expectations. In a vain attempt to fulfill someone else’s needs and desires we sometimes morph ourselves into what we think the other persons wants. That leaves both people unhappy and resentful. If in the dating process you are honest about who you are and what you are and that in and of itself destroys the relationship, then you saved yourself from a divorce down the line. I tried to be someone I’m not and in the process made both my (now ex) wife and myself miserable all at once. Also, don’t waste the dating time being something you are not either. Any marriage built on a lie is one that is headed toward divorce.

Lastly, we all have to realize that fantasy is just that. We can all try to create the fantasy of the other gender and we should, don’t get me wrong. But if living a fantasy overrides living reality then you’re priorities are not as such to lend itself to a successful union. If you want to be loved passionately and swept off of your feet, you need to make yourself that much more loveable. If you want to meet Romeo, your a** best be Juliet or why should any guy bother? You are not living up to your end of the fantasy. And by the same token, for the guys that are looking for some odd amalgamation of June Cleaver and Jasmine St. Claire, then it would help if you behaved like Ward Cleaver and…well…um…Ron Je…no…um…well Romeo (whew!). In other words, if you want a wife for your children then your a** better act like a father…and damn good one would be nice.

On marriage I can say that it is a good institution. It takes sacrifice and self control. You must listen and feel empathy. Their must be interest in the other person as a person and not simply an extension of your self.

On divorce I will say that it is the natural and unavoidable outcome for those of us who believe that only YOU matter in a relationship with 2 people.

There simply is no “I” in “partners,” which at the end of the day, is exactly what marriage and family is all about.